Chunch
A Chunch is a place of whoreship, usually large, where God comes down and anoints all his followers with his salty load of blessings. People of all religions go to Chunch, sometimes up to eight days a week, as they develop a reliance on the blessings to survive. Anyone who visits a Chunch at any time is known as a chunchgoer.
Functions
Chunch serves an integral purpose in a functioning society. As a place of worship, it is highly regarded as a place where people can go to achieve nothing in particular. Chunch is unique from other places of worthship, in that it can sometimes give people superpowers, transendence, or radiation poisoning. In addition to these gifts, chunchgoers can expect to receive visions of the past, future, or other timelines entirely. Some chunchgoers may experience either sexual or asexual happenings at the hands of their chosen deity, which can manifest in a number of ways.
Gifts
Gifts are permanent anointments that change a chunchgoer for the rest of their natural life. These come in many forms, and have many different effects on the blessed.
Superpowers
Chunchgoers have reported having close-calls with a deity and leaving with superpowers that include, but are not limited to:
- X-ray vision
- Teleportation
- Incorporeality
- Long hair
- Telescopic eyes
- Wings and tails
- Qualified immunity
- Bad Syndrome
- White teeth
- Library workout
- Dead parents
- Dead niece
- Super speed
Transcendence
Some chunchgoers are given the gift of transcendence by their chosen deity. Transcendence includes many of the aforementioned superpowers, but also grants one the ability to choose not to exist for an indefinite amount of time. Some transcendent chunchgoers even go on to become deities themselves. Notable examples include Snoop Dogg, Nalos, and The Beach Boys.
Radiation poisoning
Some chunchgoers cannot withstand the Chunch's power, and shrivel under its might. Yet more chunchgoers will take actions in their lives that upset one of the deities greatly. These individuals may find themselves cast upon by a bright turquoise light when they are alone in the Chunch, and instantly afflicted with the slowest, most painful death one can imagine. Radish positioning.
Visions
Many chunchgoers report having visions while worshipping their chosen deity. These visions differ from the sexual or asexual experiences in that they are known to be true, no matter when or where they are happening. Visitors to and from other dimensions regularly take lists of scheduled happenings with them to confirm these happenings. Not a single case has been disproven, and one hobby of many chunchgoers is to show up for a catastrophic event and point and laugh while it happens.
Sexual or asexual experiences
Sometimes, dedicated chunchgoers do things that greatly please one or more deities. As a result, the Deities will sometimes grant an experience to the individual, which takes place almost entirely in the chunchgoer's head, and may or may not be of a sexual nature. Such persons report orgasms, regardless of the nature of the experience. Most walk away with new fetishes.
God Alternatives
Alternative gods, or deities, can be chosen and worshipped at any time, at any Chunch. The list of deities is established and long, and grows on a regular basis as more transcendent individuals choose to become deities, themselves. Notable examples include the following.
Klonoa
The Beatles
After the last Beatle died in La Batalla Final De Donte y Vergin, the jam-band The Bortles helped them to ascend to deity status on the backs of their multitudinous fangirls' souls. From this status, they released newer, greater hits, such as It's Okay to Leave A Dog in a Hot Car. They also added the eighth worship day to the week, enabling more chunchgoers to suffer from withdrawal now that they had an extra day to go on.
Jubei
One of the Six Heroes, who is also known as the One-Eyed Lotus. He is a long-living beastkin, who is one of the few people to have personally experienced the Dark War. He wanders the world and has friends in every part of the globe. At one point, he took Ragna under his wing and trained him. He can be a little uncouth, but is generous and dignified in his manner. One could say he is even more human than humans, and can be easily swayed from emotions. He is Kokonoe's blood-related father, but their current relationship is shaky at best.
Quetzalcouatl
Donated to Chunch by
Limp Bizkit
Limp Bizkit were added to the list of deities when Fyre Festival event was deconfirmed by one chunchgoer's vision from Klonoa, proving that it was all just a hoax designed by
Microsoft Sam
My ROFLcopter goes SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI lololololololol got u bich.
Withdrawal
[DO NOT RESEARCH]