Chunch

A Chunch is a place of whoreship, usually large, where God comes down and anoints all his followers with his salty load of blessings. People of all religions go to Chunch, sometimes up to eight days a week, as they develop a reliance on the blessings to survive. Anyone who visits a Chunch at any time is known as a chunchgoer.

Functions

Chunch serves an integral purpose in a functioning society. As a place of worship, it is highly regarded as a place where people can go to achieve nothing in particular. Chunch is unique from other places of worthship, in that it can sometimes give people superpowers, transendence, or radiation poisoning. In addition to these gifts, chunchgoers can expect to receive visions of the past, future, or other timelines entirely. Some chunchgoers may experience either sexual or asexual happenings at the hands of their chosen deity, which can manifest in a number of ways.

Gifts

Gifts are permanent anointments that change a chunchgoer for the rest of their natural life. These come in many forms, and have many different effects on the blessed.

Superpowers

Chunchgoers have reported having close-calls with a deity and leaving with superpowers that include, but are not limited to:

X-ray vision
Teleportation
Incorporeality
Long hair
Telescopic eyes
Wings and tails
Qualified immunity
Bad Syndrome
White teeth
Library workout
Dead parents
Dead niece
Super speed

Transcendence

Some chunchgoers are given the gift of transcendence by their chosen deity. Transcendence includes many of the aforementioned superpowers, but also grants one the ability to choose not to exist for an indefinite amount of time. Some transcendent chunchgoers even go on to become deities themselves. Notable examples include Snoop Dogg, Nalos, and The Beach Boys.

Radiation poisoning

Some chunchgoers cannot withstand the Chunch's power, and shrivel under its might. Yet more chunchgoers will take actions in their lives that upset one of the deities greatly. These individuals may find themselves cast upon by a bright turquoise light when they are alone in the Chunch, and instantly afflicted with the slowest, most painful death one can imagine. Radish positioning.

Visions

Many chunchgoers report having visions while worshipping their chosen deity. These visions differ from the sexual or asexual experiences in that they are known to be true, no matter when or where they are happening. Visitors to and from other dimensions regularly take lists of scheduled happenings with them to confirm these happenings. Not a single case has been disproven, and one hobby of many chunchgoers is to show up for a catastrophic event and point and laugh while it happens.

Sexual or asexual experiences

Sometimes, dedicated chunchgoers do things that greatly please one or more deities. As a result, the Deities will sometimes grant an experience to the individual, which takes place almost entirely in the chunchgoer's head, and may or may not be of a sexual nature. Such persons report orgasms, regardless of the nature of the experience. Most walk away with new fetishes.

God Alternatives

Alternative gods, or deities, can be chosen and worshipped at any time, at any Chunch. The list of deities is established and long, and grows on a regular basis as more transcendent individuals choose to become deities, themselves. Notable examples include the following.

Klonoa

Klonoa was the first co-deity with Blinx, given that both of them were married from birth, and if one of them were to reach godhood, the other undoubtedly would as well. Blinx and Klonoa founded the first Chunch together, using their powers of soft and cute platformer protagonism. The first chunchgoing cult following subsequently destroyed both Blinx and Klonoa's corporeal forms, helping them to ascend to the status they now hold. Klonoa has long served as the first and primary alternative to Blinx, and offers his signature words of wisdom to any who ask for them. After 255 years in the first Chunch, Klonoa decided to take his shoes off and travel the world. Horny chunchgoers had a field day with this, however, and he was forced to inflate many of them, making them big and round, in order to defend himself. Nowadays, Klonoa is working on a new remaster, which will undoubtedly bring many more to the Chunch, and cause him yet more problems.

The Beatles

After the last Beatle died in La Batalla Final De Donte y Vergin, the jam-band The Bortles helped them to ascend to deity status on the backs of their multitudinous fangirls' souls. From this status, they released newer, greater hits, such as It's Okay to Leave A Dog in a Hot Car. They also added the eighth worship day to the week, enabling more chunchgoers to suffer from withdrawal now that they had an extra day to go on.

Jubei

One of the Six Heroes, who is also known as the One-Eyed Lotus. He is a long-living beastkin, who is one of the few people to have personally experienced the Dark War. He wanders the world and has friends in every part of the globe. At one point, he took Ragna under his wing and trained him. He can be a little uncouth, but is generous and dignified in his manner. One could say he is even more human than humans, and can be easily swayed from emotions. He is Kokonoe's blood-related father, but their current relationship is shaky at best.

Quetzalcoatl

Donated to Chunch by King Charles V after its previous owners were brutally murdered in cold blood, Quetzalcoatl found a new home with worldwide worshippers willing to donate their organs to the flying snake. In its new position, the serpent god could freely feast upon chunchgoers as it pleased, as long as it was willing to be fiended over by kinky sex pests. The snake has spent many of its years in the Chunch staring unsettlingly and unblinkingly at people who come and go, occasionally hissing and flicking its tongue for good measure.

Limp Bizkit

Limp Bizkit were added to the list of deities when the Fyre Festival event was deconfirmed by one chunchgoer's vision from Klonoa, proving that it was all just a hoax designed by Lyric to usurp Green Day of their reward for "Most Slurs Said By A Pop-Punk Band". Limp Bizkit called upon the ultimate power of the Brütal Legend (2009), instantly propelling them to transcendent status. They used this power to create the When We Were Young Festival lineup, conjuring strong emotions and memories within the insatiably nostalgic auras of every 90s kid, and using that energy to create a spirit bomb. The ensuing blast ensured Lyric's particles were scattered across the galaxy, but Mr. Limp himself could not withstand it, and the entire band had to become deities to survive in some capacity.

Microsoft Sam

My ROFLcopter goes SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI SOI lololololololol got u bich.

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Withdrawal

[DO NOT RESEARCH]

Among Us

In 2018, the 2020 hit game Among Us created the first legally recognized online Chunch, in which chunchgoers would complete tasks to please their chosen deity, while a radiation-poisoned Impostor would attempt to stop them. This introduced many more people to the concept of Chunch, whether they knew it or not. The masses became enthralled with this new, incredibly holy expression of Chunch, and nowadays many amogus chunchgoers are inseparable from their map of choice. Every task completed equals one prayer to the deity of the player's choice, and the game's cloud-based matchmaking system makes it faster and easier than traditional methods for deities to receive such prayers. Some deities are happy with this new influx, while others choose to smite every single player who worships in this new way with the "Mark of Sus", ultimately forcing them out of every virtual Chunch they enter.

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