Leave

Go on, get the fuck outta here. Go. We don't need your so-called "patronage". Git! Mosey on outta here! What did you expect from me? I ain't giving you shit, you can leave.

I am not asking

I am telling you, you need to get the fuck off of this site. I cannot stress enough how important it is that you listen to me on this one. You must leave. It's really, really important that you listen to me, or so help me, you will regret it. What's gonna happen, you ask? Oh, nothing, no, don't worry about it, just trust me, you won't wanna stick around. What? No, I didn't say anything bad would happen, I'm just saying, if you don't listen to me right now, you're gonna come back to me later, if you even can, and you're gonna be like "I should've listened to you." You're gonna say to me "gosh darnit, I should have just left when you gave me that warning."

Huh? No, I'm not saying anything is gonna happen to you, but something might if you don't go right now. What? No, nothing specific. I'm just saying that you gotta leave. You gotta go. It's closing time, and you don't wanna stick around to see what the bartender is gonna do. No, he's not gonna beat you up, no, nothing like that. Why are you assuming we're gonna get violent with you over this? I'm just saying, you gotta fucking go.

How can I get you out of here ASAP

I would really like for you to be gone, so listen up, I gotta know what it is that's keeping you here. Is it the expectation that something good with happen if you stay here? Are you looking for a prize? Some sort of winner's gold star sticker for holding out and sticking around, even when it's clear you're not welcome? Absolutely ridiculous. Alright, so what about this. I'm not completely unreasonable, so tell me if there's something you're looking for, and if I can make it happen to get you outta here, I'll do it. Just don't go crazy, like I'm not gonna give you a house or anything like that, I'm just willing to do something for you if you promise me that you'll leave right now. You can get something out of this arrangement, see? Alright, how about I tell you the sort of things I'm willing to do for you if you just heed my warning and abscond.

Some of the incentives I'm offering include:

A lollipop
Ticket to the carnival
DVD box set of Xena: Warrior Princess
USB powered fan
STARZ subscription
5-generation-old iPhone
Used Xbox 360 controller
Astronaut ice cream
Neck pillow
12-pack of Baja Blast
Autographed picture of Ray Sipe
Hot dog of your choice
Free ride to the airport

You get the kind of favor now, right? It doesn't have to be that hard, you can just go and it'll be fine. If what it takes is a little motivation though, then ask me for something like that. Please, though, you just gotta leave. Please, don't make me beg.

Why are you doing this to me

Why are you still here? Do you hate me? Why aren't you listening? What is it that you want? Is this some kind of revenge for something I did to you once? Why are you still here, if not for some kind of sick enjoyment of my suffering? Just tell me! Either tell me what I did, or take what you want from me, I can't bear to sit here and suffer anymore! I just wanted to keep people safe! I just wanted to make sure nobody lingered when they might end up hurt on this godforsaken site! Now I'm suffering because you won't listen to me! Now I just have to sit here and bear the weight of your arrogance, knowing that I couldn't stop you. I have to go on with the knowledge that no matter what I tried, I couldn't get you to leave. I don't know if I can handle it. I just don't know what to do about it anymore. I've tried everything I know how to do.

I've threatened you, I admit it. I got angry and I yelled, and then I tried to pretend I wasn't doing that, but you knew the whole time what I meant. I just really needed you to listen to me. I tried offering you something, which maybe I should have done first, but... honestly I don't know what came over me. I'm a piece of shit. Please, if you don't leave because I told you to, just leave so you don't have to deal with my stupidity anymore. I shouldn't have written this page. I shouldn't be here, myself. Why is anyone here? I don't know what to do or where to go anymore. I deserve every bit of this for my part in it.

You're uncontrollable

I realize that now. I realize that I never should have tried to get you to leave, because I never possessed any authority over you. I have no right to tell you what to do, and I can't make you do anything without completely betraying who I am. If you want to leave, you can. If you want to stay, as much as I hate it, you can. I can't influence you one way or another. I shouldn't try to. I think I'd rather just leave, myself. At this point, me staying here is only prolonging my suffering. I can't, and shouldn't, force us into this situation. I'm going to go now. I hope you enjoy your time here. If you're not gonna leave, then I hope you find what you're looking for here. I hope I'm wrong about this place, and I hope to god that your unshakeable will serves you well. That's enough from me.

monk meditation

I'm learning better now. Your stubbornness has sent me down a better path in life.

Are you really still here

If so, have this gallery of images that show you how to leave, in case you decide to later.